


Shattered

by orphan_account



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Anger, Angst, Drug Abuse, M/M, Mentions of drugs, Sadness, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, minor self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 01:32:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9359618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "He made me steal from my dad to buy drugs"Basically filling in gaps in 1x06 from the picnic to Lukas's confession. Mostly in Philip's POV, but the party will be in Lukas's.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I went back to edit and add some things because I went and accidentally posted this before I was actually done with it lol
> 
> Edit AGAIN;; so this is going to be a three-part story, but since I'm still kind of new, I'm still working out how to get everything working. So hang in there while I get everything situated (but this will NOT be the only chapter)

Philip couldn't really force down a whole lot of the dinner, and it wasn't just because of Helen's sad attempt at steak. His stomach squirmed and rolled uncomfortably during the duration of the meal. He almost felt like crying. _Of course,_ he thought, _of course they didn't believe me. Why would they?_

He tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his chest. It's his fault Gabe and Helen didn't believe him. He's lied to them before, sometimes he didn't even know why he lied, it just kind of slipped out. Sometimes they believed him, other times they called his bluff. But the one time he needed them to believe him, the one time he was actually telling the truth, Gabe and Helen sided with Lukas. Philip jabbed at a carrot with his fork. _Of course._

Honestly, Philip just wanted it to be all over. He didn't want to listen to the lectures that he knew would be coming his way. He didn't want to have to go to school the next day like nothing happened, like everything was fine. He didn't want to see Lukas. Ever since Helen had told Philip he needed to apologize to Lukas for lying about the murders, Philip felt like he was standing on ice that was cracking underneath him. No matter what he did, the jagged cracks just got bigger and bigger and he had no way of preventing himself from falling in. All he could do was stand there as he sunk.

Gabe tried to make small talk, but Bo wanted to get straight to the point. He didn't want to be here any longer than Philip did. At least that's one thing they could agree on. 

Philip wasn't really listening to what everyone was saying. He mostly just kept his head down and pushed his mashed potatoes and mushy peas around his plate. He only looked up when he had to apologize. He tried not to roll his eyes or let sarcasm edge into he voice, even though he wanted to. He wanted to let Lukas know exactly how he felt, wanted to yell at him for being a liar, and letting Philip take the fall for him. He wanted to let everyone know that Lukas was the one lying. But he didn't. No one would believe him any way. Lukas accepted his apology and looked away. He couldn't even _look_ at him.

"Okay, and for now on we're gonna need Philip to keep his distance from Lukas." 

_Crack._ Philip looked up in shock. He shouldn't really be surprised, what did he expect? But just hearing the words made the ice break underneathe him even more. Helen and Gabe tried to defend him, at least, but it didn't matter.

"Lukas, are you absolutely certain you've been entirely truthful with Helen?" Gabe asked. Philip swallowed the lump in his throat. He knew that Lukas would only deny that accusation (was it an accusation?) too. 

"No," Philip let his eyes slowly trail to Lukas's face. He knew that he shouldn't get his hopes up, but he couldn't resist. _Was Lukas going to tell the truth?_ His heart pounded in his chest like a broken drum. Philip nervously searched the other boy's face, but Lukas wouldn't meet his eyes.

"What, Lukas? What happened?" Helen sounded just as shocked as Philip felt. The unwanted feeling of hope eased itself further into his chest. 

"Philip..." A range of emotions seemed to cross the blonde's face as he let the words bounce around his head. _Say it... say it._ Philip willed Lukas to hear his thoughts. _Just tell the truth, Lukas._

_Philip was telling the truth._

But those were _not_ the words that Philip heard. Lukas finally met his eyes, "He made me steal from my dad, to buy drugs."

 _Crack._ Philip felt all the air get sucked from his lungs. _He should have known._ Philip felt stupid for getting his hopes up, but for some reason he still wanted to cry when the spark of hope got extinguished. That made him feel even worse, because his hopes always got crushed, _every single time._ Why would this time be any different?

"Yeah, he wanted me to take some with him too, but I-uh I didn't," Lukas looked him in the eye as he let the vicious words slip from his lips.

Philip couldn't breathe. He wanted to shake his head, to try to clear himself and urge Lukas to take it back, but he knew that no one would believe him if he did. His heart plummeted to his feet like a poison apple he took a bite from. He swallowed again, but this time, the lump didn't go away.

"Is that true, Philip?" 

_No! It's_ not _true!_ He wanted to protest, to scream that Lukas was the one that stole from his dad. That Lukas was the one that wanted to buy the drugs. As if anyone would actually believe him. Philip felt the weight of Lukas's words crush what was left of the air in his chest. There's no point. "Yeah sure, whatever, Lukas says."

 _Crack._ The ice finally shattered beneath his feet. Philip plunged into the icy waters as cold surged through his body. He was drowning, but he didn't know how to get back to the shore, he could barely keep his head above the frigid water. Bo pulled Lukas up and left, but all Philip could hear was the roaring in his ears. His shaking hands grabbed his cell phone from his pocket. He felt disoriented and dizzy, but he forced himself focused on the object in his hands. He didn't even know what he was going to do yet, but his fingers were already dialing the number. 

"Philip-"

"Hi, um, this is Philip Shea, I'm living with Gabe Caldwell and Helen Torrance in Tivoli," Philip's voice shook just as much as his hands and the world spun around him like he was on a carousel, for a second Philip thought he was going to throw up. He needed to get away. _He needed to get away_. "I need to be relocated to a different family or, uh, to a... foster house or whatever is available. I... I..." Philip glanced at Gabe and Helen's shocked and confused faces as he grasped for the words he needed. His voice trembled. "I just can't live here anymore."

The lady's voice in his ear seemed so far away he didn't really understand what she said to him. "No, that's it," he quickly hung up and moved from his seat as he practically ran to the cover of the trees. Helen and Gabe said nothing. They just sat there.

He walked quickly, his hands clenched in fists and his lungs only letting in gasps of air. Philip tried to keep a steady pace, but as soon as he passed the first tree and blocked himself from Helen and Gabe's view, his legs took off running. Philip's breath hitched in his chest, and tears threatened to spill from his eyes, but he didn't let that stop him from disappearing farther into the dark woods. For a second, Philip almost expected either Gabe or Helen to follow him, but they didn't. Why would they? _They were probably already going to call social services themselves to have me taken away._

Philip didn't pay attention to the branches that whipped across his face, or the cold air that stung his skin. Water filled his lungs and flooded through his body like icy shards. Suddenly, pain shot up his leg as he tripped over a twisted tree root. He yelled out as his body cut through the air like a knife. He threw out his arms to break his fall, but his open palm landed on a sharp rock and sliced his skin open. Hot tears finally spilled over onto Philip's cold cheeks as he cradled his bleeding hand close to his chest. The sobs came out in short frantic bursts as he fought to pull air through his lungs. 

Philip leaned against a tree, his body trembling with a mix of cold and emotion. It was dark now, and he only had a faint idea of where he was. He wasn't sure how long he had run for, but his lungs burned and pleaded for air. Philip pulled his legs to his chest and briefly rubbed his throbbing ankle before hugging his knees. His hand stopped bleeding, but the air made it sting. Philip let his head rest on his knees as another wave of sobs shook his body.

 _I knew it,_ Philip thought bitterly. _I'll only ever be looked at as trash. I'm always going to be the kid with a druggie for a mom._

Philip couldn't stop the terrible and ugly words from repeating in his head like a broken record.

_Trash._

_Worthless._

_Burden._

He's always going to be the person everyone threw under the bus. He'll always be nothing more than someone to throw away after they're done with him. It has always been that way, why would now be any different? He should've known better.

_Then why did it hurt so much?_

It hurt more than his ankle. It hurt more than the cut on his hand, and more than the burning in his lungs. Philip convinced himself that it didn't hurt as much as it used to, when he was younger. He got used to people throwing insults at him, he got used to people looking at him like he was worthless and dirtier than the mud on the bottom of their shoes. He was used to it, but it still hurt. 

_I deserve this._ Images played through Philip's head. Lukas pushing him away. Lukas and his friends calling him a freak. Lukas punching him because he got too close. Lukas refusing to be seen with him in public. Lukas only needed him to get through his problems, but when Philip became one of those problems, he threw him away. All the hurt that Lukas sent his way, and Philip still ran back to him, just to be shoved away again. But this time, Lukas didn't just push him down, he stomped and kicked him while he was on the ground. _I deserve this._

Philip felt like a little kid who got his feelings hurt by the bully at the playground. His mom used to pull him up on her lap and brush away his tears as he cried. But his mom wasn't here. She was at rehab, and he was sitting in a forest, alone. The only people Philip _thought_ cared about him had abandoned him. They didn't want him. They didn't care or love him. He was alone. 

_I ruin everything I touch._ The thought had snaked around his mind before, but it always danced around his consciousness and tip-toed through his words. Now it flashed behind his eyelids and screamed in his ears. Philip couldn't deny it anymore, he couldn't lie to himself now that the truth was placed in front of him with a neon sign pointing to it. His mom. Gabe and Helen. Lukas. They were all ruined, because of him. This is all my fault.

The scream pushed its way up his throat and tore passed his lips. It bubbled underneath his skin and clawed at the seams binding his body together. Philip threw back his head against the tree as the words that were savagely ripped from his mouth burned his throat and echoed back at him. _"I wish I never existed!"_

And he did. Philip wished he was never born, never an idea. If she had known how much pain Philip would drag with him when Anne found out she was pregnant, would she have kept him? Surely not. His dad had left her before Philip was even born, he never wanted him. And she looked to drugs to comfort her after her own parents tossed her to the curb. _All because of me._

He was the reason Anne was locked up in rehab. He was the reason Gabe and Helen fought. He was the reason Lukas hated himself. He was the reason Tommy and Tracy were dead. He was the reason he and Lukas saw those murders in the cabin. If Philip had never existed, everyone's lives would have been better off. 

A bitter taste like bile rose at the back of his throat, and on his lips, and every place Lukas had ever touched him, as if his finger tips were made from poison. Philip's skin burned and itched, he tugged and scratched at it as if that would make it go away. He dug his nails into the soft skin of his wrist. Philip wished he could leave. He wished he could scrub away all the bad that clung to him or get up and climb out of his body. _I can't take this anymore._ He wanted it to end. He was so, so tired, and he didn't think he could fight anymore. Philip raised his white flag and surrendered. _I just want it to be over._

~~~

Philip doesn't remember snatching the bottle of tequila from Gabe and Helen's cupboard, or letting the liquid burn his skin as it erased his pain. He doesn't remember stumbling to Rose's house to where people were laughing and drinking and having the time of their lives, as if Philip didn't feel like he was being crushed under the weight of the world at the same time. But he needed to see Lukas. He needed to scream at him and hug him and be there. Philip needed him. He needed Lukas.


End file.
